bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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