Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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