i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
