She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
