Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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