if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
