so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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