I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
