I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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