You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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