she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
