That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
