how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
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