Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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