just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You took a bar mat shot.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
