Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Your face is a jimmy john
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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