I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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