So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My liver is preforming stress tests.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
