Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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