At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
