Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
