That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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