i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
