Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
