I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
This is classic penis vs brain.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night