I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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