So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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