Did I show you my penis last night?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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