Yo dont text me then not text me
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
