it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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