How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I hope mine doesn't look like that
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
