dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
