I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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