you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
