This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
