guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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