this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
