So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
