here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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