Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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