I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
