Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Text me some of your sweat
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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