he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
