i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize