I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
