I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
