All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
