did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
