She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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