His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
