happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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