I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
