"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
